Monday, July 27, 2009

On Thick Heads and Mustard

There are two things that change in my general behaviors when I’m feeling down or going through a spell of melancholy:

(1) I desperately seek the humor in everything, and (2) I am constantly irritated by stupidity, annoying behavior, and things that generally require me to think or work more than I’m inclined to at any particular moment.

The first thing is my only saving grace sometimes and gets me through whatever daily doldrums I’m dealing with. These days, I’m constantly squeezing the humor out of situations that would otherwise not occur to me in different circumstances.

However, I fear the second thing may possibly turn me into a crotchety old man before my time, if gone unchecked.

This is why anytime I catch myself feeling down or getting annoyed by something I’ll try to put a twist of sarcastic humor in my comments or complaints, then I’ll post them as a status update on one of those social networking sites.

It helps me feel a little better when people react and respond because it reminds me that I’m not the only one who has rough days or is constantly encountering the bottom 1% of society, in terms of common sense and/or intelligence.

On a typical day, I’ll share things like:

“Just had a random discussion with some little old lady regarding Mr. Darcy and other Pride & Prejudice characters. Currently being chased by the Man Card Repo guy, who appears to be as fast as Carl Lewis.”

"Damn, I wish every girl I dated in high school had one of these: #doublefistedhandjobs"

“I truly enjoy running and exercising. And by running and exercising, I mean binge drinking and passing out.”

"Recent surveys say the 1st thing men notice in a woman is her eyes, and women say the 1st thing they notice in men is they're a bunch of liars"

But back to the subject of stupid people…

I went to Canes Fest this weekend, which was held at Land Shark Stadium here in South Florida. Canes Fest is a gathering of the South Florida sports media, the University of Miami Hurricanes college football players and coaches, as well as fans of the team.

It was actually a forgettable experience in all honesty, but the conversation I had while we stopped to get lunch on the way still sticks with me. Every time I think of it, I’m still in disbelief that it actually took place.

Here’s the scoop:

We walk in to a local sub-sandwich shop, and I approach the counter to order.

The girl at the counter asks, “Hello, do you know what you want?”

“Yes, I’ll have a small roast beef on white, with provolone cheese.”

She grabs the bread and fumbles with the knife to cut the bread as she asks, “You want mayo and mustard?”

“No, just mayo” I said.

She continues fumbling around, then grabs the cheese and roast beef from its bin.


She places the meat and cheese next to the bread.

“No, only mayo,” I replied, again.


She grabs the mustard, and just before squeezing the plastic bottle, she pauses and asks, “Just mustard?”

Exasperated at this point, I sigh, my blood pressure instantly rises at least 20 points, and I respond, “No mustard!”

Finally, after repeating myself yet again, it registers at the last second that I don’t want mustard.

This conversation actually took place.

True story.

I paid for my sandwich and look at my friend with a ‘what-the-fuck’ face on the way out. I was speechless, and all I could keep saying was, “Dude, seriously?”

Over and over again.

All he could do was raise an eyebrow, throw his hands up and shrug while responding with a pithy, “Wow. Just…Wow.”

Apparently, good listening skills are no longer a requirement for working in some customer service oriented environments.


  1. That's awesome.

    I agree. On all points.
    I ordered a cheeseburger with nothing on it at a fast food drive through. When I got the samdwich it was just a meat (questionable at that) patty with a bun. No cheese. Although they charged me for the cheese, but it was a cheeseburger with nothing on it.

    I laughed so hard I peed my pants.

  2. Seriously? If I was in any kind of bad mood I would have walked out the shop.

    I had a conversation with a friend's 22-year-old sister some time ago, I asked her if she new who Gordon Brown was and she said the name rang a bell. Then I asked if she knew who George Bush was, she confirmed, that yes she did. Given that we live in England I was more than a little frustrated that she knew who the US president was (at the time) but didn't have a clue that Gordon Brown was our Prime Minister!

  3. Hey Will...I just left you an award of at my blog.

    Come on by and pick it up!

  4. I deal with that kind of stupidity on a daily basis teaching fifteen year olds. Luckily I like the sound of my own voice so I don't mind repeating things two thousand one hundred and fifty times a day :)

    I came accross your blog from the award f8hasit gave you and I think this will be my first visit of many; keep the good writing coming!

  5. @f8hasit: thank you so much for the support! i definitely wasn't expecting that, but i truly appreciate it. i'll be around reading up on your life too. all my best...

    @ladytruth: thanks for the note, and thanks to you for the support as well. when you're going through a rough patch in life, even little things like notes of support from people go a long way...take care, be well...